Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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