There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
