Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My bed smells like the plague
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
