just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
