Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
