Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
