Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
