Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
