So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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