Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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