Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
