smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
