Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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