Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
