I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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