this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Randomize
