it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
