when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
