textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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