Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
