You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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