Kiss
Puke
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
