Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
