I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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