I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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