lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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