shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
