This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
