dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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