We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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