Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
