Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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