so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
