how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
