I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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