that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
