Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
