She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.