I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.