the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
