East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
