It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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