You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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