if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
