WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
