So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
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Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.