Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
