Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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