the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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