If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
