he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
