clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
