I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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