What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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