Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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