If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
