I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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