you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
