She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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