I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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