sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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