Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Bring me that man meat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
