I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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