Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
In America we eat man semen.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
