Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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